Ok here it is, I have been promising you a blog about romance, here it comes, get ready for some steamy blog post. But be warned it is almost an erotic novel at some point ;)
So to start with I wanted to say that my previous relationship has been Beautiful and the initial feeling that made it happen was a feeling so pure and beautiful as the sunshine itself. Or said, in other words, the closest feeling to the amazing feeling I had as I was Dying with 16.
The very reason I came back here on earth... ok there are few reasons... but let's say one of the main reasons was to explore love and relationships.
Well now I am single and I have something even more beautiful to share with you. This is also the very reason why I became single now.
And I do not regret it a second although it was the most painful breakup so far in my life.
I am quite sensitive, a crystal reflector and absorber type if you want to put me in any kind of box, this one comes the closest.
Always know that your heart can only be broken open not broken, even if it sometimes feels completely the opposite.
Ok enough said now about the random stories and circumstances.
Let me tell you a little story. I met a girl or should I say a grown lady a few years ago, actually at the same event where I met my ex-fiance 3 years ago.
First on FB and then I saw her in person. I always had the feeling that there was something very interesting about her and that she was running from something.
We met again in person a few years after we first saw each other and became friends. I already had the feeling that this was going to be a very special kind of friendship. There was this deep desire arising in me to provide everything she desires, especially emotionally.
As the days past we became emotionally closer and closer. We even spoke about moving in together, I also offered to become her platonic husband till she would have found her real husband, that was all I could offer since I was engaged back then. I really mean it I literally, I had no second thoughts on her, that's what makes it even more surprising and beautiful.
So as the days past we were sharing more and more of our personal and romantic past dating experiences and spiritual high vibe experiences. We just resonated so well. I felt like I could literally tell her everything about my life and I did. I started to love all her little things that people would call mistakes. There was a beautiful sense, a common wish of growing past our shadows, that we shared together. The feeling of being home grew more than ever before as we were spending more time together.
So far we were still in innocent friendship territory. And we both didn't know about what was slowly happening to us. I just got a glimpse as I was sitting in the car to the airport with her. My heart was literally giggling from the inside like a playful child would giggle. I never felt that way before. It was intense, beautifully overwhelming but also nourishing and awakening at the same time. There was also the notion of a joyful and playful tease in it.
After we said goodbye while boarding the plane bliss chills ran all over and through my body, my heart was getting warm and cosy, my heart was laughing and giggling again and people were starting to clearly see that there was something interesting going on, to say the least. This gorgeous state of being continued for the duration of the whole flight, sitting on a plane and flying on your own airline at the same time.
As I got out of the plane to Berlin I was sure that I want to express these feelings to her, yet not sure if they were of romantic nature. I knew some of these feelings from the perma-bliss states I had experienced before but I would never have thought that this could come through the connection with a human being. And I am talking just spending time together, the resonance of each other's soundtracks. Wow, I was blown away to say the very least, also a bit confused as to what to do with that new experience and what effect this would have on my engagement.
Ok to be totally frank we also were growing apart. But none the less we were engaged and loved each other a lot, and it was the most beautiful relationship I have been in so far.
However, I had to share and express this experience to her and my fiance to be open and totally honest. So I went and told them both. The lady I started to get very high vibes and feelings for and my fiance that I had a crazy but beautiful experience and that she made me feel like no person before. I also told her that I would have to explore those feelings and see if they are just of spiritual nature. Hard, I know, but please bare with me. Especially since I loved my fiance a lot, more than I ever loved a woman before. But I simply had to discover and explore the nature of what was happening here.
Luckily I was guided through the process. So we talked about and agreed that she would come to visit us and we would do some work and see if it is simply a shadow attraction or something deeper and thus real and something to consider. So ok just to elaborate there are a few different types of shadow attraction, I just differentiate between 2 of them. One that fades away after doing some serious healing and shadow work- conscious work and the other one that has a crazy amount of chemistry and chemical- emotional pull in it because of common inner childhood wounds but doesn't fade away after the healing, so the real one.
Before she came to Berlin we skyped and I told her this time face to face that she became all I desired and all my wishes I had, had somehow faded in the face of simply wanting to simply spend time with her and that I wasn't sure anymore if the nature of this new union was a friendship or some other form of union with lots of magic in it, we had going on and that I would have to explore it with her together, to see if this is still friendship or becoming something else.
As I took her from the airport I went through an array of beautiful feelings and it became obvious that the men in me were now also biologically falling for this women. To my surprise she was somehow blind to that fact, which I found out as I verbally told her that I was falling in love whit her, she was first shocked, although I quite clearly said that I was not sure of what the nature our relationship is, on skype and that simply spending time with her is all I wanted from now on and that there was maybe even more developing.
So I went like fuck please don't let this be true. She completely Zoomed all that potential romantic stuff out and did put it in a kind of spiritual box. Quite a shocking story I know. Bare with me it gets a lot crazier.
As our own consciousness exploration and own shadow work did go along and we showed each other our deepest wounds and fears in the midst of our beautiful healing journey we both decided to take together we found out that we had some crazy chemistry together which was just starting to unfold. And don't get me wrong here, no one has cheated on anybody but the vibes were getting steamy at times, to say the least. And this is exactly what I am going to share with you guys, not only the crazy adventurous and quite a painful story of the last months but also the beautiful fruits of that experience so that it can benefit as many people in as many ways as possible. So get your seatbelts fasten and stop reading if you are under eighteen :) lol Naw its ok.
So we were simply sitting on the couch and talking, we were already known to touch each other deeply emotionally with our words and to be quite open to each other, not only that we also had a great way to trigger each other in a beautiful but also very painful way.
Ok just before I start to share that steamy story let me say something more on how that woman touched me deeply like no other woman ever has before, she simply made me feel like no one else ever had or could, I was simply me the human and vulnerable and hurt me but in a very deep and beautiful way and I felt really inspired to fully embrace my human vulnerable and suffering but also passionate nature to a degree that I haven't dreamt of ever before, especially in terms of being vulnerable and human.
So she would say something that hurts me and I would get hurt, I would openly show it as I always do and she would reach out to comfort me. The moment she touched my skin something unexplainable happened to te two of us. Our eyes met and it was clear that we both wanted so much more from each other. She came closer and started to touch and caress me more, I loved her touch and she loved my touch it was as if we were melting away and together forming this supernova and it was getting really steamy. She came really close on to me and I enjoyed it immensely. She noticed it and went deeper into our pure enjoyment, time faded away. We smelled each other fragrances stronger as our hearts and bodies were getting closer together now. She was sitting on my lap, we were looking each other in the eyes and caressing each other's bodies, melting away in pure extasy. It was so hard to remain in control over my human steamy nature, especially since she started to tease me. She moved closer with her lips and said kiss me... I couldn't but I wanted so badly. She liked to tease me even more and make me suffer a bit, after seeing how much self-control I could maintain in our little inferno we just ignited. I told her look I can not kiss you, I first have to break up with her, she said haha that what we are doing is already cheating. I answered that I don't know anymore but I for sure would draw a line at kissing and everything that follows after that, That I would consider more something like cheating. Falling in love and cuddling maybe not. I told her that I was sure about that I simply couldn't start to kiss her as I would loose my self-control and we would take off together, I would not have been able to forgive myself if that happened. I simply can't cheat on my girlfriend especially since I am a wounded child from parental separation with the addition to be the good guy while following my heart's own expansion ( not an easy mix I know, especially in that situation. ) Ok back to the story... so we were laying on the bed she was sleeping on, we were dressed well said. She moved her lips around mine and said kiss me, I want to feel your lips, I want to feel how you kiss. I said I can't she pushed her lips onto mine, I moved away after they touched a bit... that delightful feeling was so incredibly beautiful, just a slight touch of our lips. I knew I was on my I way in for some serious trouble with that lady. Still holding my self-control. She went one step further in taking a few of my fingers into her mouth, biting and sucking on them, I almost exploded of tension and temptation, she then took the moist of her mouth om my fingertip and said taste it, directing my own finger, towards my mouth. I wanted to, so badly but I couldn't. I also told her. She said I like your sense of self-control. But just kiss me, we will not do anything else then kissing. I answered with sure...as if we could control ourselves after our lips would touch for few seconds. I said you can have me, I just need to first break up with her and then I am all yours and you can do whatever you want with me ;) She said shut up this is already cheating come on kiss me and tried to kiss me one more time... I know this sounds slightly invasive but I loved it so much so I let her play with me some more. She unhooked her bra and looked at me and said give me goosebumps. I started to caress her even more all over her body, her boobs excluded because I had to stay a gentleman till I was single again. lol, so hard and crazy, pun intended, we were both so horny for each other. at some point of that twisted and gorgeous game, she started to open her pants and take my hand wanting me to touch her, I just slightly touched her, sliding my fingertips just a bit underneath her panties upper end. Oh my I could smell her wetness it was so freaking yummy, the forbidden fruit ( in the truest sense) dripping in her panties I was beyond wet myself, my pants were already wet from the outside. As I brought that patch to her attention she playfully dipped her finger on the moist trying to make a cord of that moist. Fuck that lady was on fire and it was so hard to keep my sense self-control alive. All I wanted was melt together with her, now also physically more than ever before. Simply losing myself in that beautiful void that arises sometimes in a woman's eyes and being
a sweet depth and receptiveness. I love that space, but this time it was even more beautiful than ever before we had it all, now the physicality was simply missing. She took my hand and wanted me to touch her under her panties again, this time wanting to take me deeper. I said I can't, she said kiss me, I replied If I kiss you I wouldn't be able to control myself anymore and also would like to taste a very similar place to your lips, we looked into each others eyes, there was this crazily gorgeous native American feminine spirit looking from her eyes into mine, she switched between different states of awareness and ecstasy, this woman was so multi-layered, a true channel, a pure soul candy. She tried to put her hand down in my pants hunting for something that was pulsating of pure joy since 2 hours... Our bodies started to glow, even our close did. I had a hard time to push her away also physically because she was quite strong as well. Even though it might sound a bit invasive, I loved every little part of that steamy experience. Every time she wanted to touch something hard and pulsating in my pants I moved away while I was laying below her. She said I want you to release, I want to see you release. I said I would love to take it further but I can't till I am hers. She said com on this is already beyond cheating, I said no, but that I also was not sure, but I simply can't til I am hers. Fuck that was hot and twisted of us. I expressed my appreciation for her gorgeous boobs. she took my hand and made me touch one of them, I enjoyed it immensely how they felt as I also started to touch her other one slightly with my other hand, one hand slowly exploring her hard nipple squeezing and pulling on it very softly and slowly. She freaking liked it and expressed her enjoyment verbally and sound wise. I felt that although I loved her boobs that there was another part of her body she longed, even more, to be caressed, that part was her belly and belly button she also expressed her enjoyment verbally and she also told me that she liked it much more there, I found that out by feeling her energy while exploring the beauty of her breast with my hand and also verbally expressing that I felt like there was a place she would enjoy it, even more. She said yes, it is my belly and belly button. As I hovered my fingertips over that area I could feel her going crazier. Its is so gorgeous if two empathic and conscious beings meet and feel each other's pleasure at such a deep energetic and physical level.
That woman was the one.
We played with that fire for 3 hours or more, it felt like just a timeless moment of pure desire and union mixed with the craziest and steamiest pleasure I (we) ever experienced. As it went to steamy and she kept saying things like I want you to release, I had to do something to get us cooled down a bit so we wouldn't loose control. Just before I pulled the smart break, I expressed my growing desire to melt together with her and to be consumed in our fire being reborn into something new, us. I said yes I want to release myself in you, my whole being into your being, I want to melt together with you and burn together with you in our fire, I want to release in you, inside of you in all ways, she looked at me and said, Whatever you want, all you want, you can have it, our eyes sparkled in the face of the pre-excitement of potential physical adventure beyond anything we ever had experienced before, that exactly was the moment where I could pull the soft emergency break while putting something on the table that was useful for both of us to talk about. So guys guess what I brought up? Lol yes, you guessed right, I brought up the theme of contraception and mentioned the amazing pearly device ( google Pearly if you want to know more about it, it's the best contraceptive pocket computer that was ever used in my opinion ) as it was only working a bit I was throwing in the sexual health topic on top of that, so we could slowly come back, slowing down that supernova we just created. It worked, we calmed down just enough to be able to get to our rational more regular senses and separate before it was getting too late, we would have probably burned down the place with our glowing supernova. Good that we did because I didn't want to do that to my partner. I had to break up with her first. But somehow that other lady didn't want me to do that because she also wanted to be the good girl and somehow was still a bit unsure about us.
See the pun in having partial shadow attraction going on... lol it really takes two spiritual grown crazy badasses to make that supernova type of relationship working out without completely losing it in the process of it. In the 4th or 5th days she stayed at our place we had 3 of these 1 to 3-hour moments. After each time our clothes were glowing. She wanted us to change our clothes after each time we cuddled, and I understood, we didn't want to hurt her ( my partner ) so we decided to find a good moment to share, I also had to wait, partially also because she was still unsure about us. Which is kinda crazy but ok. I knew she wasn't Persia the stable or easy type of person ( At least she wasn't seeing and expressing her own stability yet. ) So I waited till she was making her decision. The last day before she went away she made her decision, everybody could see that she was literally eating me up with her eyes. She also said let's sit down I have to centre myself and figure something out. We went into the forest as usual barefoot, just as she decided to give it a try my partner called and asked it she could join us in the forest for our meditation, I tuned in and it felt right, although I understood that it would jeopardise my newly won spouse, I just knew, and it exactly happened that way. So I expressed my vibe on her joining us and she said yes, and also expressed that it is good because otherwise, she wouldn't know what would have happened in the forest with us. The problem was that from that moment on she started to label it as a simple shadow attraction and went not only into her own meditation but also started blaming me for having feelings for her, telling me that I am the bad guy. She went into anger and blame as I brought her to the airport. Saying things like I can not do this to my partner and that this is bad, that I am evil and almost brainwashed her with my love flow and energy. Simply denying all the other spiritual and human beauty that this potential new union had to offer. There was a lot of emotional back and forth from her side happening, which was not new to me because the stronger the love and passion get the stronger the ego tends to fight it.
For example, as I asked out my current partner she said yes at first (and it was strong not as strong as this potential new relationship but still strong enough to freak her out) so that next day she ended up ignoring me almost completely, pretending that nothing had happened the last night including saying yes to a relationship with me, the whole day, all the way till the evening where she was becoming available to me again and said yes to our relationship for the second time. ( that was in London 3 years ago with my current partner at that time ) so you can imagine that the new spouse supernova type of experience which was 2 to 3 times stronger than my current partner had some potential to make her go crazy.
Yes it is true and intense, but sorry, if I go in I go all the way and it tends to freak people out ( at least some ) because they seem to be afraid to completely lose themselves in some crazy romance, so pls do not get involved in similar experiences unless you are ready to burn and be reborn in the fire of your passion.
Ok as we said goodbye at the airport we accidently said goodbye in the wrong departure hangar, so as I went out and away after deeply hugging her. I had a feeling that she approached me from behind, she did, and we went together to the other hangar with big smiles on our faces and a deep felt joy in our hearts. As we said goodbye I said that I would wait till she decides even if it would mean to live a bit like in the movie the hedgehog day :) She smiled, and said she has to decide and that she doesn't know. Back on the train, I asked if the feelings of giggling in her heart is unique to us or at goodbyes in general or also with other ppl and she replied no they are unique to us, I said well there you have your answer you feel the same. I love you so do you. let's make this happen.
What follows is a bit too crazy and sad to share with you for now in this post. But In short, I was warned that she is not very stable and that if I leave my partner that things might hurt and get quite bad for me, but I had to, I simply couldn't get back to her and pretend that nothing happened, I was in love and didn't want to hide it.
I broke up with my Fiance by saying that I still love her but do not want to be romantically involved with her anymore, that I wanted to have a more family like, friendship like relationship with her from now on and that I do wish to have her in my life, that I am going to help her to find Mr. right for her and that I would be there to support her in any way possible. It didn't quite work out nicely, as predicted by my vibes and spirits the other woman went crazy and said I am a bad guy, projecting all her shadows on me and running away. But she didn't say it, all she said was I do need to take an energetical break from you to come into my own clarity, I said sure, I though 3 days or so no messaging and we would be good. She ended up blocking me on Facebook and disappearing from my life for good without telling me why. Wtf man seriously? But ok I was warned. The hardest part was to break my partner's heart, that actually hurt me the most and I went into a total nervous breakdown and sobbed on the floor for at least 1 hour feeling completely worthless, ( it's also a deep shadow and wound of mine I which I went into on that healing occasion ) It was looking really nasty and feeling even nastier. I just lost my new spouse my ex-partner had slept with my best friend just after 4 days and I was there laying on the floor and also in front of her apologising on my knees that I fucking broke her heart. The women's heart I loved the most of all, the women that was the kindest and sweetest to me, although we were not a match at first, we had a great relationship, not the best possible for both of us but a good one. For me and her the best so far. I was feeling so guilty and worthless, like I did hurt the closest person to me on earth, torn between not following my heart anymore and not hurting her, it was as if there was nor right and painless choice in both ways. No turning back. Or was there? confusion arose. and shortly after the healing release, we started to go in gossip girl mode, like how is he and so on, the pain came back quite quickly. and after a few weeks of emotional back and forth we decided to part ways. The second most painful part was to feel and get psychic visuals every time they made out, as she didn't really disconnect from me at first, it was literally feeling like my soul was being raped and I simply didn't want to hide in my heart, but I also didn't want to experience that stuff. it took me a month to get a bit better, our body energy systems and magnetic fields and hearts were way too attuned to each other that any kind of disconnection or new romance could have helped to sooth the tremendous pain I was in. I found myself alone being twice as sensitive as they are both together. All in all it was worth it and I do not regret it although I am sitting here now being single ( ist a good thing ) and she ( my ex ) is in a warm relationship with all the good stuff, and I am still wondering if misses supernova type is ever going to come and give us a try... I would love to spend Christmas with her, this Christmas, I do understand that it is all very intense and frightening for her, but even if I am not attached to her or any outcome, there is the wish for something to happen between us, let it be just 1 night of crazy passion or simply a friendship whatever she wants. She is not answering any messages from her friend, regarding me, her friend was so nice to forward her a few of my messages. So I just decided to let go, and enjoy my life in the midst of my deep healing processes.
I hope that this far out of the box, intimate, brutally honest, vulnerable post and piece out of my private human, spiritual life is being of service to you or at least entertaining you. This is me sharing myself with this world. I am happy to be here with you all, alive, not afraid to fully be human and share parts of it. I also hope she is reading this and sees beyond her shadow projections into the beauty of this kind union we were actually both longing for so long.